To Be and Not to Be: A Brief Parent and Educator’s Guide to the Benefits of Using Dialectical Behavioural Approaches with Children
3 minute read
Is the house blue or orange?…well…both
“If you have ever felt torn between telling a child, “I love you exactly as you are” and “Something needs to change,” then you already understand the heart of Dialectical Behavioural Approaches (DBA). ”
What Are Dialectical Behavioural Approaches?
The elevator pitch? Basically, DBA is about both accepting what is and what needs to change. It’s also about realising that two opposing ideas can exist simultaneously. Originally adapted from Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT), which is often used in clinical settings, DBA (a lighter touch, if you will) takes the same core idea of balancing acceptance and change. It makes it practical for everyday use, including parenting and teaching, which is what we will focus on today. Instead of concentrating only on stopping “bad behaviour,” DBA helps children and their caregivers recognise and accept their feelings while learning positive ways to respond.
But why Use DBA with Children?
As mentioned above, the main basis of DBA is DBT, a strategy used to assist with addiction maintanence and/or removal. But that doesn’t mean it’s principles can’t be applied elsewhere. Children and adolescents (and arguably well into adulthood too) are constantly learning who they are and how to interact with the world. Sometimes their emotions or behaviours can feel too big for them to handle, leading to tears, tantrums or shutdowns. This leads parents and teachers to ask the age-old question: “Should I comfort them or correct them?” DBA answers: both, and it does this through the combination of empathy and guidance.
By combining empathy with guidance, DBA empowers young people to:
· Understand their emotions and how it interacts with the world around them
· Accept themselves.
· Learn skills to handle difficult situations.
For the supporting adults, utilising this approach offers tools that feel less like punishment and more like coaching, contributing to calmer and more connected home and classroom environments.
“…‘Should I comfort them or correct them?” DBA answers: both”
5 Practical DBA Strategies for Home and School
The suggestions below, alongside the sister post of NAT tips #3, provides expert, approachable and evidence-informed guidance on how you can start using DBA within your interactions today.
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Help children label emotions as they rise. For example:
“I can see you are feeling frustrated because the block tower fell.”
“It looks like you are proud of finishing that worksheet.”
By naming the feeling, children learn that emotions are normal and temporary. Adults can create “emotion charts” in the environment to help make the process more visual or to create a handy visual journey to show the different feels the child has been through that week. Parents at home can continue the emotional literacy learning process by using picture books at bedtime to talk about feelings.
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Here’s a super fun one, especially if you have an old broken TV remote lying around! Just like pausing a movie, children can learn to pause before reacting. Teach them to take ownership of their emotions and actions without judgement by hitting the pause button and adjusting course. Note- this isn’t an undo button, just pause to allow for course correction. During the pause do this evidence-informed series of autonomic nervous system calming actions.
· Count backwards from 5
· Take a deep breath
· Visualise and then choose what to do next before saying out loud “I want to do this”.
Younger children may enjoy practicing with a toy a pause button during play, while older students can keep a small reminder card in their pocket.
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A true-blue DBA activity that is based on cognitive reframing!
Dialectics is all about holding two truths at once. For example:
“You do not want to share the toy today, and your friends want a turn.”
“You are upset about the homework, and you are capable of finishing it.”
Encouraging children to consider both sides as valid helps reduce black-and-white thinking. And develops lateral thinking. In class, teachers can role-play scenarios while at home, parents can model this language during family discussions.
The critical part here, however, is teaching them that both sides are right. However, both sides face different sets of consequences or outcomes that affect them and the world around them. Where growth happens for young children is seeing which outcome they want to happen from the two truths and working towards it.
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It goes against the unspoken parenting rule book but, instead of time-out, create “time in” - proactive, scheduled and positive spaces where children can regulate emotions. This way children learn they are not being punished but given tools to reset. Both parents and teachers can set up these spaces so children know where to go when big feelings come.
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DBA is about growth, not flawless behaviour. Acknowledge small steps:
· “You remembered to take a breath before speaking up. Well done.”
· “I saw you tried again after feeling stuck. That is brave.”
Celebrating effort builds resilience and motivates children to keep practicing new skills.
Of course, don’t leave your self out, especially if taking a DBA approach is new for you. Keep your own adulting “wins wall” and celebrate the progress you’ve made in changing your own attitude or habits- big or small!
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Check out NAT tips #3 for more advice. I hear its really colourful and great for sharing! much like this blog post!
Final thoughts
You’ll have noticed that there isn’t too much to cut, stick, glitter and glue with the above suggestions. well that’s because Dialectical Behavioural Approaches are more than just pen and paper strategies. They are a mindset. They remind us that everyone can be loved as they are while also being guided toward who they can become.
Parents and teachers do not need to be psychologists to use DBA. With a few practical tools like naming emotions, teaching pauses, embracing two truths, creating calm spaces, and celebrating progress, you can help children handle challenges with confidence and kindness.
Start small. Choose one suggestion this week to introduce at home or in your classroom and keep at it for the whole week. Over time, these approaches can create lasting changes in how children perceive themselves, their relationships, and the world around them, as well as in your role as an instructor and caregiver.
And if you have any questions or concerns, Emerald Bridges CPAS is always here to give you a helping hand…well, except on weekends. So, I guess we are here and not here at the same time, and that’s okay!
Thank you for reading
Thank you for reading
